


the warmth of equally returned love

by antpelts



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pet Names, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28447296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antpelts/pseuds/antpelts
Summary: “Well I, uh, I left yours in the fridge. So you can just heat.. like, heat it up when you get home,” a yawn broke Evan’s words and he didn’t bother trying to muffle it.“Got it, chief.” Jared smiled to himself when he heard Evan’s tired laugh through the receiver.// jared’s overwhelmed but evan’s there to bring him back down, like always
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman
Comments: 20
Kudos: 51





	the warmth of equally returned love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kkamikaze](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kkamikaze/gifts).



> so.. in a weird twist of fate i got my best friend for the sincerely-us gift exchange on tumblr! i know its a little early but i wanted to make sure this fic got counted in my 2020 ao3 stats so.. happy nye b. lov ya kayla, hopefully this is halfway decent. also.. a playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7c5pqZ05WUTXsivPnigddl?si=TS5SoHwVR3m5XKrKg0AvWg
> 
> cw / no car crashes but a lil swerving, panic attacks/tic attacks

“Well I, uh, I left yours in the fridge. So you can just heat.. like, heat it up when you get home,” a yawn broke Evan’s words and he didn’t bother trying to muffle it.

“Got it, chief.” Jared smiled to himself when he heard Evan’s tired laugh through the receiver. “My break’s over, though. We’re gonna start closing but I won’t be home ‘til.. fuck. Probably around eleven.. thirty? You’re up at like.. six.. forty five tomorrow for your ecology final aren’t you?”

“Mhm,” Evan’s sleepy hum was almost drowned out by the rustling of blankets and Jared wished he could crawl into bed next to him. Working retail was a nightmare at the best of times.

“Quit talking to me, go to sleep,” the words were softened with a short, breathy laugh. He pinned his phone to his ear with his shoulder, smiling softly to himself as he clocked back in, still not hanging up. The place was basically dead, no one would notice him on his phone as he lazily picked up the fitting rooms one last time. “I’m not gonna be the reason you fuck up your final, dude.”

“Miss you.”

Jared  _ really  _ hated working retail. And Evan didn’t mean it like  _ that,  _ but it still made guilt settle in his stomach. He’d spent most of the afternoon studying in the library because linear algebra was  _ specifically  _ kicking his ass and no matter how much he loved Evan he couldn’t get distracted. He wouldn’t have covered Kelsey’s shift if she hadn’t promised to cover him after finals so he could ditch his closing shift on the first night of Chanukah because, fuck, he wanted to spend  _ some  _ time with his boyfriend after the end of the semester. He was already missing him all week, they could at least spend the holiday together if anything - besides, Evan promised to make latkes if he could get the shift covered and while he hated to admit it, Evan  _ was  _ the better cook.

“I miss you too. Go to bed.”

“I’m laying down!” The protest was weak and Jared could picture him, face squished to the pillows, eyelids drooping. “But.. drive safe tonight. S’icy.. careful of.. careful for black ice, mhm?”

“I will,” Jared murmured, pausing in slipping shirts back on hangers.

“‘m.. love you,” it was half muffled, presumably by their pillows and comforter. He could easily imagine him there, blankets pulled up to his chin, curled up on his side. “Love you, J.”

“Yeah,” a fond chuckle slipped out with it, “I.. love you too, pecan.”

“‘s.. silly.”

“Okay, I’m hanging up.” They could go on like that for far too long. Jared wouldn’t say  _ hours,  _ because that was a little hyperbolic but that wasn’t to say Jared wouldn’t sit around and fawn over his voice for an extra forty minutes while pretending to be a little annoyed. “Go to bed.”

“Goodnight.”

As Jared tucked his phone into his pocket the ache in his chest was immediate. Another forty five minutes and then a drive home. That’s all he had to do.

It still felt so far off and he was so fucking  _ tired. _

The time passed slowly - just him and putting clothes back to be sorted. Just him and restocking the bathroom paper towels. Just him and straightening out shelves.

At least _something_ seemed to have him in its thoughts because the lead that night let him off ten minutes early, promising to take care of the last few things. If Jared was a little bit nicer he might’ve offered to help out, it wasn’t like there was much left. But he was just _Jared_ and he was hungry and tired and missed his boyfriend. So he took the offer with a weak smile, clocking out before the lead could remember something they needed help with, and ducked out the front doors while shrugging his coat on.

It  _ was _ icy out, not that Jared doubted Evan or anything.. it just threw him for a loop when his feet slid out from under him as he sort of half-jogged to his car.

“Mother _ fucker,  _ fucking shit,” he hissed, stumbling to his feet and pulling his keys from his pocket. Even if no one was around to watch his face burned with shame and his hands shook a little from the cold after being planted on the ice to catch himself. The bits of salt and gravel over the lot had scraped his palms, leaving them burning. His fingers felt a little stiff and when he went to press the unlock button on his car keys they slipped out from between his fingers. It was all enough to start the burn of tears behind his eyes, hands getting twitchy. 

With a shaky breath he leaned down to grab his keys, finally getting his car unlocked and all but throwing his door open before climbing into the driver’s seat.

He was suddenly very grateful that he got let off early because that gave him ten minutes to cry in his car while he waited for it to heat up - because the tears were  _ not  _ stopping. The telltale burn turned into wet tear tracks down his cheeks that left him feeling itchy. The exhaustion of the last two weeks crashed over him and he gasped pathetically while everything he’d been holding back came crashing down all at once. It started small, his hand twitching, wrist flicking out, accompanied with a snap - quick, involuntary. His sobs picked up until he couldn’t breathe, his ticing slowly switched over, head jerking to the left again and again and  _ again.  _ He squeezed his hand into a fist, urging his brain to think of anything else other than the growing ache in his neck. Anything, anything. Evan.  _ Evan.  _ The snapping stopped, his wrist and fingers stilling while he kept jerking his head off to the side.

Now that he could control his hand he scrambled for his phone, struggling to see the screen through the blur of tears and with his head moving so jarringly and rapidly. He managed to unlock it but even in his panicked haze he couldn’t make himself call Evan. Instead he fumbled until he could start up the playlist he’d made for Evan to listen to while he studied, jolting a little when it came in too loud through his car’s speakers. As he wheezed he reached out for the volume dial, weakly fidgeting until he lowered the volume to something more reasonable.

While he jerked his head he started hard blinking, hoping to divert all his wound up nerves and stress as he focused on the music. He couldn’t control it but maybe he could divert the train tracks, so to say.

It took two songs for the movements to slow down until he was sort of weakly nodding to himself while he blinked. At least it didn’t take an hour.

Those were the worst ones.

Once he regained most of his own motor control his hands scrambled over the center console, popping it open to dig out his inhaler. His chest heaved as he pulled in wheezing breaths. Every day he was grateful that Evan forced him to carry the damn thing on him, no matter how infrequently he actually needed to use it.

It took three more songs before Jared could even think about driving. He pushed his glasses up, rubbing at his eyes with balled up hands until his face ached. He just needed to get home. He could skip dinner and just crawl into bed, slip into Evan’s arms. Then it’d be okay and he’d push through the rest of the week.

So, when he was sure his breathing was even and the sobs were paused he fumbled for the gearshift, pressing his foot on the brake to shift into reverse. For a second he sat there, breathing while the rumble of his engine stayed steady. After a few more blinks he finally pulled out of the parking space, crossing the virtually empty lot to pull out onto the main road. There weren’t many people out, yet he managed to get caught at nearly every light, the red reflecting down onto the wet looking pavement.

“Fucking.. turn, motherfuck.” His hands tensed, squeezing and releasing the wheel as he felt the pressure of a headache building up behind his eyes.

At least the drive was quiet aside from the low hum of the music he put on, anything more and he would probably-

Taking the right onto the sideroad that was backed up to their apartment complex his car swerved a little, taking it wide while his wheels fought for traction. No one was around so he was  _ fine,  _ righting himself and getting back into his own lane before pulling into their parking lot but  _ fuck.  _

Twenty minutes. All he wanted was twenty fucking minutes to catch his breath.

At least parking was easy enough, their lot was salted and the ice wasn’t too bad. Plus, the person in one of the spots next to theirs was gone - maybe finished finals already and headed home early. Either way, it made it easier to pull into their spot. Denting his car or something was the last thing he needed, eyes still burning from the bout of crying he’d had. 

And he thought he was tired before.

The beep of his car locking and the alarm priming was more overwhelming than usual, every sound was grating on him - even the soft crunch of snow under his feet as he cut through the grass up to their building’s front door. His hands felt weak, the sound of his tires fighting for a grip on the ice hung heavy in his head. Every sound rattled around with it - overwhelming. The key in the lock. The door swinging shut behind him. His steps echoing down the empty hall. All too much. Really, it was a wonder he’d made it through his shift in one piece, looking back.

Only once he was in their unit, locking the door behind himself, did he let his (weak) façade crumble. His face dropped from a blank expression to downright pained as he rubbed at his cheeks while toeing off his shoes. He sniffled before shrugging off his coat and carelessly tossing it on the couch, dropping his keys unceremoniously on the kitchen counter before trudging down towards their bedroom. 

Pausing outside the bathroom he weighed his options - he definitely felt gross but he was also exhausted. There was no way he’d make it through a shower and no matter how shitty it made him feel, he knew he was too tired to even brush his teeth. With a shaky sigh of defeat he kept going, dragging his feet the last little bit to their bedroom. Just seeing the door open a crack sent a pang through his chest.

Evan always liked to sleep with the door closed. He’d left it open for  _ him. _ Sure, it was just a door but it was the principal of the thing. Evan had left a metaphorical light on for him and it made guilt crash over him.

All his studying meant they hadn’t really seen each other, even if he knew studying at home would do him no good he still felt bad.

Nudging the door shut with his foot once he was inside, he started to tug his work clothes off. He left his shirt and jeans in a crumpled pile on the floor, tugging his socks off to join them. It was cold in only his boxers but Evan was like a damn space heater; getting under the blankets with him would be enough to keep him warm. Curling up to Evan would keep him warm.

Evan.

Just seeing him curled up on his side, expression slack and relaxed with sleep, was enough to nearly set Jared off again. With a shuddering breath he plugged his phone in, leaving it on the nightstand before slipping his glasses off too, folding the arms in and setting them next to it. Now he was exactly where he  _ wanted  _ to be. Pulling the covers back to slip into bed next to his boyfriend. Solely on instinct, Evan shifted and opened his arms, blindly pulling Jared in close to his chest as soon as the mattress dipped under him.

That was enough for him to crack.

With a poorly stifled sob his hands found their way between their bodies, fingers gripping Evan’s shirt tightly. He pressed his face hard against his shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut as he shook. His breath came in little gasps as he fought to get as close to Evan as he could, using his grip on his shirt.

“Jare? Hey.. J?” Evan’s voice was heavy with sleep, low and rumbling as he was roused awake. That only served to fuel Jared’s guilt, knowing full well Evan had to get up early for his exam. He choked out another sob, refusing to pull back and actually look at him. “Hey.. shit. Hey, babe. What’s.. Shh. It’s alright.. I- c’mere.”

The sobs broke into soft wheezes at least, Jared couldn’t help but be at least a little placated by Evan’s even tone - even if it dripped with concern. 

“I’ve got you. I.. It’s okay. I’ve got you, baby. You’re alright.” Evan was receptive to the fight to get impossibly close, bringing his arms around him tightly, palms pressing flatly to his back. Jared shifted his face to let himself be pulled closer, shoving his nose to the crook of Evan’s neck - he couldn’t be bothered to think about how the mess of tears left wet spots on Evan’s skin and shirt. He’d never realized that crying had a sort of smell, or at least tears against skin. It was odd, to be absolutely shattering in front of the one person he trusted to see him like this but only being able to process the scent of crying, of tears. “Oh, honey.. I got you. It’s- you’re okay. You’re okay, baby.”

It wasn’t the norm - such sappy pet names and whispered comfort - so, for a second, it made everything a little harder, being able to hear just how much Evan loved him. One more sob forced its way out before he was able to start collecting himself. Evan’s nose pressed to the side of his head and he was faintly aware of how Evan’s own tears silently dripped off his face onto Jared’s shoulder.

“Did- are you okay? Did something happen.. something happen, like, at work?”

The worry evident in Evan’s voice made something twist in Jared’s chest. He felt stupid for letting himself break when Evan had so much on his plate - he was always the one to keep them going, to keep them relaxed with silly quips and bits. Now he was just making it worse, just making Evan worry.

“Fuck,” Jared sniffled quietly before pulling away just enough to rub at his eyes with one hand, “no.. it’s, no. Work was fine. Just.. shit. It’s fine, Ev. Go back to sleep.”

“Dude,” the flip from pet names to  _ that  _ nearly made Jared scoff a short laugh but he was a little too emotionally compromised, “you.. you gotta- I mean, J, talk to me? Please?”

Jared always struggled with saying no to Evan.

“It’s.. it’s okay, I promise. You got your final in the morning. We gotta go to sleep, pecan.”

That didn’t mean he wouldn’t try, though.

“Nope. You’re not- you can’t go all cutesy nickname on me.” The blankets rustled while Evan struggled to move, putting just enough distance between them so that they could meet eyes with Evan’s arm still tucked under his head. The tear tracks over his cheeks were slowly drying, contrasting the slight smile he forced onto his face. “You can’t- you’re not getting out of this by.. by, like, being all cute. Even if I- even though I love it.”

“I love you,” Jared breathed out, practically on instinct just from hearing the word ‘love’ out of Evan’s mouth. It took some time but it became beyond common between them once they crossed the initial barrier of  _ saying  _ it. It went from feeling grossly vulnerable to coming just as easy as breathing.

“Mm, I love you,” Evan replied in turn, shifting to press their foreheads together while closing his eyes. “And that’s why.. that’s why you’re gonna tell me what’s- what’s, um, up.. and then we can go to bed.”

“You’re a dick.” This time Jared did manage a laugh between sniffles, letting his own eyes fall shut while Evan gently bumped their noses together with a gentle nuzzle.

“Talk to me, babe.”

“It’s.. I’m tired, we can just, like, talk ‘bout it tomorrow, Eevee.”

“Nope, no more cutesy names,” Evan murmured, turning his head to pull Jared up close to his chest again, letting himself smile a little while Jared’s nose was pressed to his neck. “You’re.. Jare. You gotta.. you gotta talk to me.”

Jared really couldn’t say no to this boy - his boy.

“It’s.. it’s not much. Really, just a long night. Work just.. sucks. I mean, you know. Especially closing shift..” With his face hidden it was easier for Jared to hold onto composure - at least with his voice. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter, puffing a short breath out of his nose. “And.. finals, which.. you know.”

“Mhm,” Evan hummed, moving one of his hands to gently rub Jared’s back, “you got the linear- the um, linear algebra one on Friday, right?”

“Yeah it’s.. yeah.” Before completing any coherent thought Jared’s breath caught, fingers curling tightly into the fabric of Evan’s shirt. “It’s..”

Anything coherent died on his tongue, breath shuddering while he finally cracked. He wheezed a little, shoulders starting to shake even as there were next to no tears left for him to shed. The ache in his head rolled back in full force, his whole face hurt still, beneath his eyes was raw from him rubbing at his face. Against his own will a broken noise came from him, closer to a whimper than anything else - a choked string of curses followed, muffled by their positioning. Against his own wishes his eyes fluttered back open before he was hard blinking, sniffles coming in more frequently than he needed.

“Shit.. hey, hey. J,” Evan’s voice softened, barely even audible as he shifted his hold, releasing Jared just a little. The sight was nothing new to him; not only did Evan see plenty of his tics just growing up with him, since they’d gotten together he’d seen plenty of his sort of episodes. He made no acknowledgement of it as he shifted closer, practically cooing at him. Before Jared could give any pathetic little protest, Evan was rolling over, bracing himself on his forearms above him. He was careful to not put too much of his weight down on Jared as he pulled in long breaths, trying to compose himself. “What’s.. what’s up?”

With some shifting their legs were tangled together, and Evan turned one of his arms on its side enough so he could stretch out his fingers, brushing some of Jared’s hair behind his ear. The touch just served to break Jared a little more, his lip quivering a little as he leaned into Evan’s hand. He gave a shaky sigh as Evan just cupped the side of his head, brushing his thumb gently over his cheek at the same time. The touches helped bring him down, his sniffles spaced out, his blinking slowed down.

“Fuck,” he choked out, finally just squeezing his eyes shut as tight as he could, sniffling quietly. Any coherent thoughts faded with a noncommittal noise and instead he just turned his face, pressing a barely there kiss to Evan’s palm. Releasing his grip on Evan’s shirt he shifted one hand, holding onto his wrist loosely before giving him another soft kiss.

“That tickles,” Evan murmured, breathing out a short laugh. His brows were still drawn down in concern, though. “I.. I love you.”

“You too,” it was muffled against Evan’s hand but Jared did crack an eye open to look up at him. There wasn’t much light to go by and everything had a bit of a blur to it without his glasses, but Jared focused on his form as best he could - it wasn’t like he needed to see his face to know what expression he was pulling.

“C’mon.. will you- could you talk to me?”

Again, Jared really couldn’t say no to him.

“It’s.. there’s just, like,” Jared gave another mumbled noise, weakly gesturing with his free hand, “a lot.”

With a hum of acknowledgement Evan leaned his head down enough to bump their noses before untangling them again so that he could roll onto his side. Even with all his rock climbing at the rec he could only hold himself up on his arms for so long. Staying on his side he shifted an arm to drape over his waist, sliding his other arm to slip under Jared’s head. The featherlight touch over his bare skin had Jared shuddering, eyes falling shut again.

“‘m just.. really fucking tired,” it was a murmur, stark against the still quiet of their room. Evan didn’t need to ask to know that it was more than physical exhaustion, he knew the tired that Jared was talking about  _ very  _ well. It still kept him in bed sometimes, until the afternoon was long behind them. They both had their bad days, Jared was just better at hiding his.

“Well.. finals are almost.. like, almost over. Then we have, um, w.. we have break. A few weeks to.. to decompress.”

“But I’m tired now.” The plainness surprised even Jared - it just came out so flat and  _ weak.  _ The breath he pulled in after shuddered.

“I.. I know. I’m.. I love you.”

As soon as Evan said it Jared felt guilt swell in his chest, putting an ache on his heart. He  _ knew  _ Evan loved him and he wished that could be enough, every day. It wasn’t entirely rational - if anyone knew how pressing the dark clouds could be even when things were supposed to be good, it was Evan - but it still felt heavy on his chest. Everything felt so heavy.

“It’s just so fucking much,” Jared’s voice caught and he took a short pause to sniffle, catching his breath, “there’s so.. just so much and I’m fucking tired.. I just.. I,” the longer he rambled without a clear end in sight, the more embarrassed he got with the grossly emotional state he was in, “I want to just fucking sleep and just.. It’s so fucking hard.”

The mortification seizing his chest wasn’t enough to stop him, though, and he forced the whole sentiment out. Even on his bad days he tried to keep himself steady enough to push through; sometimes he’d linger in bed a little longer, stuck until Evan pulled him up for lunch. Those days were rare, the days where the world bearing down on him was just too much and he cracked under the pressure.

“I know, baby.” The honey dipped pet names were few and far between, too - they weren’t always ones for overtly sappy things, but Evan knew just when to pull out all the stops. “And you’re gonna.. it’s- you’re gonna make it. You al.. always do.”

But in the moment it was always so hard to remember the sunshine on the other side.

“It’s hard,” with every new bit that he heard leave his own mouth, Jared couldn’t help but cringe a little more. He hated feeling so small, especially around someone else - but on the other hand.. Evan wasn’t just ‘someone else’.. he was  _ Evan.  _ He got to see these moments, he was the  _ only one _ who got to see these moments. “I just wanna go to sleep and.. and-”

While he knew Evan loved him it was still embarrassing when he broke into quiet gasps.

“Hey, hey. J.” Evan used the arm draped over his hip to tug him closer, pressing his nose to his hair. The slight worried edge to his voice had Jared’s guilt doubling in size, engulfing him. “Have.. have you thought about, uh.. well, maybe- I just.. it might be good if you checked in with the- with the, um, university counseling services.. I.. y’know?”

It took a lot for Jared not to immediately turn the situation on its head - it took a lot to not lash out and roll away, to not lock himself in the bathroom and avoid anything beyond the surface level.

But this was  _ Evan. _

And he was doing better - every day he was doing a little better. Better enough to face it and answer him.

“I.. mhm,” that didn't mean he had full control of his voice though, humming out a confirmation while he collected himself. “I- I.. yeah, I can.. I can call after finals.”

“And I know that- I know that meds stress you out a-and therapy is  _ hard,  _ but I just,” the words tumbled out and Jared frowned, blinking at his fuzzy shape in the soft dark, “I just- you know I.. I can’t help but worry a.. about you and just- just, if.. if- if it might help you I think that it would be- be a, um, good idea? I just- you know I love you and- and-”

“Eevee, hey. Babe,” Jared murmured, rolling onto his side and shifting closer until he could hook his leg over Evan’s. With a short sigh he slid a hand up, cupping the side of Evan’s face and drawing a thumb over his cheek, humming at the feeling of slight stubble under the pad of his thumb. “I know. I know. I.. I love you, too. I- I.. thank you. You’re.. you’re so good and I  _ really  _ fucking love you, okay?”

Immediately Evan choked out a weak laugh - Jared was sure, just from the sound, that his own crying had Evan tearing up - tangling their legs together a little more and tugging him close to his chest. The lack of distance was welcomed, even with the heat on the apartment still had a chill to it and Jared was happy to sap his boyfriend’s heat. It didn’t fix everything, but the lips in his hair and the hands pressed to his back was nice. Jared felt  _ good.  _

It wasn’t perfect - it never quite would be - but it was  _ good. _

“I love you,” it was spoken against the top of his head as Evan nuzzled at him and kissed his mess of slight curls - he could never say it enough and Jared could never hear it enough, “I love you s.. so much. I’m.. and it’s almost break and- and we’ll have Chanukah together and.. we’re gonna have New Year’s a-and it’ll be just us and you can- you can finally relax, okay?”

“Mm, I like the sound of that,” Jared murmured, face tucked up to Evan’s neck, “even if you put fucking applesauce on your latkes like a maniac, I’m looking forward to it. You’re lucky you’re cute.”

“Applesauce is  _ good,  _ it’s not my fault you don’t h.. that you don’t have taste.” Despite the absurdity of the context of their teasing, Evan’s voice dripped with affection and he followed the words with a few more kisses to Jared’s head.

“Well I mean, liking sour cream means I have taste. I  _ am  _ dating you, though.. so maybe I don’t have taste in some-” Jared was cut off when Evan shifted his hand to flick the back of his head with an indignant little noise. “I’m kidding!”

“You’re such a dick,” Evan said with a snort, sliding his hands towards Jared’s waist to gently poke at his ribs, drawing wheezing laughter from him.

“I said I’m- hah! I said I’m kidding!” The words were bracketed with giggles as Jared squirmed in his arms, “stop! Hey, hey- Eve- Eevee! Fucking- hah! I’ll- I’ll- listen, I’ll try the applesauce!”

“Hmm,” Evan hummed in amusement, stilling his hands and letting his arm drape gently over Jared’s side, leaning back to meet his eyes in the dim light. His face was warm with a slight blush, barely visible under the faint moonlight. “Okay, alright. You’re.. I guess you’re safe for now.”

“So merciful,” Jared rolled his eyes, hoping Evan could hear it in his voice if he couldn’t tell in the dark - he probably could, considering Evan just  _ got  _ him, on some intrinsic level. “Even if it’s, like, fundamentally wrong to sauce up your latkes like that.. I’ll try it again just for you.”

“We’re gonna be- gonna be alright.”

“I know,” it was softly spoken, half against Evan’s lips as Jared leaned in to give him a kiss, “I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> kudos n comments mean the world


End file.
